Sign

After doing a lot of thinking since yesterday, I know what to do now. I was on the phone with her this morning and actually talking to her, I would get things clearer and not blurring myself to it. At least I know what to change for the better. Not just for me but for them. I know that people who seriously points our mistake have many points to all our wrongdoings. Just have to accept that I'm no good at seeing myself and the mistakes I've done. I feel I'm very much dumb for not knowing myself.

I know what I had done cannot be acceptable to many people. I dont know how many but Ill assume its many. Ill change for the better. Ill take time to change. Hopefully my friends can wait for me to change. For my old friends, you can comment on what had changed in me and I don't mind. I understand the need of changing. Not for the sake of anybody but for myself. It may reflect the best that I can do and it may not. I dont know if the way I'm changing is working but I'm trying my best to make it work.

Thank you to those who had been listening to me, telling me my mistakes and just more encouragement for me to move on and change to a better person. I really am not trying to involve anybody in my matter but I only needed someone to listen to me. Maybe sometimes when I speak, it gets very confusing, but I hope you can bear with me. I know I do not understand people good enough. Ill try my best to learn to understand others better. Do guide me. God had given me a sign just now that changing for the better will change one's life to be better. I guess sometimes meeting up with people, you will get a whole new different idea and different things to be heard which strengthen the point that I should change. I didnt regret meeting up with my brothers. Although they know nothing about what I'm going through, but with what they are saying, I'm applying it to me. Thanks Shaun and John. The sign that God had given me is through them.

You may not understand what I mean but I know what to do now. Ill try my best to do all I can. I changed my mind just recently about things. I know I had been thinking before that being myself is good. But if I don't change, no matter how much I am being myself, my life will only overturn to the extreme. If I want to live in harmony with people and dont want to hurt people around me, Ill change for the better. Be a much cheerful person and accept things just as they are. One thing I should really change is listen to others. I guess I am no good in listening to others. :( Stubborn me. Although this stubborn thing is hard to change but Ill try to at least open up a bit to be a good listener and learner.

I do not want to have any problems with anyone. Its miserable to even think of it. I dont know if people would trust me or what. Its okay. As long as I know I'm not faking this up for the sake of pleasing people. I will change but it really takes time. I hope it wont take long.

*Thank you God  but I hope You would continue guiding me with your signs. I believe in You so that I do not go the wrong path and do the wrong thing again. I believe I had sinned and I would like to ask for Your forgiveness.*

To my friends, I'm sorry that I had hurt you guys. I hope we have no issues. Thank you for forgiving me. Ill change. I make that promise to myself.

A Wreck

If God would take me now, I would go. Its so hard to get someone who understands me and just accepts me the way I am. Confronts me and tell me off. But what I get is a blow off from everything I did and I didnt know about it until now. If you were me, I'm sure you'll feel it. But hey, everything happens for a reason. =)

I am so over it. My decision in overcoming it, give in and do as they wanted. They say it would be the best for me. I'd say I dont know. Since you want to decide for me too, go ahead. How much I've hurt someone with my words, I dont know. But in friendship, I would be sincere. Ill tell you off your face if you are someone who can take it. But hey, if I put you high up on my friends list, It shows how much I trusted you. I do not even bother about your weakness or what. Ill just throw it one side and see you as perfect.

Time to burn the list and start anew :) I guess I don't really mind if people treat me this way. I apologized, they apologized. No big. But I still end up getting messages like, "WTH" Sometimes, I'm confused with what they want. I'm really through with it. If she thinks she's all that right, go ahead. I'm not stopping her. I will change for what they want. But Ill be just myself when I return to my old friends. The same old friends who never failed to tell me off my face like always and still loves me anyway.

I had already written my apology. Typed on fb. Thats all. I have no confidence in going through the facing all of them yet. I still need time. But for all I know, I'm keeping down my leadership. Since they called it bossy, what else can I say right. Calling me bossy yet still saying I never make decisions. I don't know what exactly is wrong right now. Its getting more confused than ever.

I had prayed for everything to be well and now I can even concentrate on studying. I feel free actually. Leaving all of this behind. I don't want to get clingy to friends. After all the throw out on me and still want to scold me after my apology there, I don't see how this friendship can still get along. People with masks. All the time. Ill start putting on one that's for sure. To say, my confidence level that I had built all this years went crashing down like earthquake. I don't want to make friends anymore. Not there. Its time to rebuilt the confidence. Fixing and patching up. I hope it will be alright.

Andrea had been keeping me up. Not to mention my friends who had spent time with me yesterday. I feel better than I was. Jack said, different place, different people, adapt differently. I guess thats what I'm going to do then. I know what to do. I had tried adapting for the past year and I cant. I dont know what I'm going do about that but its okay. I'm dealing with it. Nothing to be worried about.

Starting from today, I tried to be on my own and I'm perfectly fine. It shows pretty much what I can do. So, wherever I am, alone is not a problem. People is definitely not a problem. Not to mention, not my business anyway. LOL. It's okay with all the breaking down and all. Its a life lesson. Ill take it positively and I am being positive right now. I am happy. Truly. I dont want my friends here to be worried about me day and night. One thing friends, I won't commit suicide or what. I'd be happy to have a hug from all of you who treat me like I'm perfect when I'm not.

Well, thank you so much for those who throw everything right at my face at the very right time and thank you so much to those who had helped me overcome it. I won't be as sad as I can be. If you think from my angle, you will know how much I had been through. But hey, small matter. I don't take grudges. Keep them but dont take them. In the end, Ill just throw them. Besides, whats the use keeping them anyway?

If you hate me, I've got nothing to lose.
If you scold me without a reason, go ahead.
If you swear at me, I wont hesitate to swear back but I have my limits.
If you still want to blame my attitude, I have no words to say. I'm changing.
If you think I'm so dumb not to understand what you are trying to say, think that you are confusing me or maybe I am that stupid in your eyes.

HEY! I am human too and I am way far from perfect. Thanks. I believe that wherever I go, I have a guardian angel with me. Whether human or not. LOL.

I'm not out of my mind. Just thinking out of believe towards God. God is great. I always know. He's got some big plans and challenges waiting to test me. I'll be prepared. :)

You know it when you see it

Talking to someone on the phone all night is like the best times when you find the right topic to talk about. We talked about the classes of people and I told him how I first saw him in class. My first impression.

- The way you dress, the way you speak and the things you have shows what you are -

From my point of view, 

If you are someone who is dressed in high quality clothes with high technology gadgets and speak like you are speaking to a very important person, it clearly shows that you are rich. Everything is flashy.

If you are someone who is normal clothing, having high technology gadgets and speak like you are speaking to a very important person, it clearly shows that you are raised well in a rich family who speaks politely and humbly.

FYI, I used to despise rich kids. Not because I'm jealous but because of their attitude.

Certain rich kids prefer only to mix with other rich kids with the same level of knowledge. Indirectly, he/she do not interact with 'stupid' people in their opinion. He/she ONLY needs them when they are desperately in need of help. If me, I would just give some reason that doesn't exist to shoo people like this away. I won't say its mean because God gave us intelligence to make decisions. He wants us to be smart and nice BUT being used by people is not smart, its dumb. Do no ever let people step their foot over your head. If they do, its high time you pick a weapon to save your head and hurt their foot.

Only this way, people will learn. BUT in some cases, if its worth helping this person, we shall. BUT we must see from every angle of what is his or her plot.

YOU OFFER TO HELP SOMEONE, YOU EXPECT THEM TO OFFER FRIENDSHIP IN RETURN.

NOT IGNORANCE.

Nobody would ever understand the real meaning of friendship. Helping them and just expect friendship in return. Where do I learn this? From my lecturer. He inspired me with this story of his. When your friends gain power and have a higher post than you, they would tend to ignore you like never before.

NEXT

My facebook post about differences. Everyone have friends of different races, culture and religion. People of the same race tend to have a topic. YOU being their friend sometimes couldn't understand what is it. Someway or another, they will always be your friend but sometimes, its easier to walk away when what they say doesnt concern you as you have no knowledge about it at all.

For example, YOU have Sabahan friends. They speak in their language on their topic. You cannot understand. What do you do? I would leave.

Same goes to other races. I do not have much Sabahan friends. So it is just a simple example. In a group of friends, everyone should speak the language understandable by everyone, topic that most of them would know. Mainly an international topic. IF NOT, at least those who share the same topic explain thoroughly what is it all about so that no one is left out.

Being a friend to people who don't care is the worst feeling ever.

NEVER HURT YOURSELF THIS WAY. IT WILL ONLY KILL YOUR SKILLS OF SOCIALIZING.

Same way when it comes to love. Do not love someone who doesn't love you back because you will only hurt yourself in a way that only you can understand depending how deep your love is to that someone. It will only kill your confidence of loving again.

I've seen too much, hear too much and experience too much.

I won't say that I'm sad to know how people had turn out to be although some had turn out to be my friend. In and out. Meaning, sometimes I'm their friend and sometimes I'm not. This is reality and this is life.

I had a facebook post about how I would keep my distance with people. I believe its starting to drift me apart from my friends. I believe its the only way to keep your heart in place. Do no pour everything. In the end you do not know:

Who will stay and who will not. 

Who will ignore and who will not. 

Who will love and who will not.

Who will pretend and who will not.

So, to stay safe, distance shall be my best friend. Thank you.

P/S- Not everyone I had distant myself too. If you think I treat you differently, think about what you did.

Ciao~

May 2012 Reflections

1. Don't trust if your heart told you not to.

2. Only certain friends will keep you in mind. Others will keep you in mind WHEN they need you. 

3. My temper is back.

4. I'm starting to hate certain people who said to be my good friend. 

5. I need a break from all the drama and facades.

6. Finals are coming up and I hadn't really studied thoroughly.

7. It's late and I'm memorizing my lines for tomorrow's Spanish sketch.

8. Don't be nice to people who treats you like rubbish.

9. Soon to have mental breakdown.

10. I'm still hating this place.

11. I'm starting to swear vulgar words :O

12. I believe God still plans for me.

13. This place is full of shitty people with shitty lies. Parasites.

14. People won't care until you become popular in a good or bad image.

15. I've seen different faces everyday. Showing different ass faces that you would want to slap.

16. Pretenders everywhere.

17. I want to be alone.

18. I don't want people to pretend to care about me. I despise them to the core.

19. I'm keeping my mouth to myself. Don't make me talk when I don't want to.

20. Chocolate moist cake didn't bring back happiness.

Need inspiration?

I learned from this. He is not perfect and I know it. I still love him.

The awesome imperfect me!

 What I want?

Goodnight peeps. More coming up. 3 posts in a day better than none ;)

Girls hearts are fragile but guys have feelings too

True Story...Listen or leave :)

I know this girl. Named A. My first impression, even with talking to her during orientation, she seemed like the nicest girl. Taking the same course yet different class. Seemed pretty religious too. I can't be sure about that. After some time due to different classes, she just stopped talking to me. I thought maybe it was due to the time where we never met just to hang out. It seems then, I had one same class as her but still she doesn't talk to me. I guess the friendship just ended.

I know this guy. Named X. I became friends with him during Athletics class. I find him fun loving. After a couple of months, he told me that he liked A. I said go for it. He didn't went for it but just hang out with her like a friend. Watching her from far. Telling me how much similarities they have. As a friend, I only listen. As they have most of the classes together, they spend time with each other a lot.

X didn't take action but another guy from another group did and here A was in a relationship with that other guy. Ill named him Y. I was rather surprised because they are from a different group and they don't seem like they know each other much. Not long after that, I broke up with my ex due to certain reasons which only my friends would know.

Y posted many sweet things on Facebook for her. Expressing his little feelings although not really showing. He is a very sweet guy. He seemed pretty happy with HER. As for my case, because my feelings for my ex had faded, I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would be but yes it hurts. After a month or two, I realized I fell in love with X. My best friend. I thought he liked me that way and that's what he said. But the truth behind it is because he wanted to get rid of the feelings for A. This leads to my broken heart. 

We mend it back as best friends and remove my feelings for X. Now, Semester 2. A and Y are still together. Not long after semester 2 started, they broke up out of no reason according to Y. Who asked for the break up? A did. No reason was given. 

One day, a rumor is said that A broke off with Y because she was just trying out. (Y was A's first love) I had a shock of my life. A girl playing with a guy's feelings. I wonder if Y knew but I hope he never finds out if he hadn't. Although they had broke up, he still would ask about her through her roommate S. S felt pity for Y and they are also friends. She was in between.

Not long after the break up, rumors has it. A seem to be very intimate with a guy named P. P seemed to be a guy who pushes all his classes to certain days and goes back to his hometown for the other days connected to the weekends. P and A rarely sees each other but they hang out a lot together. People claimed to see them in the library getting close to each other. I find it unfair towards Y.

Nowadays, P seemed to be very close to Y. Main suspect would be P was trying to be nice to Y so that P can get together with his ex, A. My friend called P a hypocrite due to that stance. A doesn't seem to care. Rumors said that P and A are together. Having lunch and dinner together. Chit chat together. P stating that he missed her on Facebook itself. I wonder what A had in her corrupted mind. She could have the heart to say that she was only trying when Y poured all his love for her. It was CRUEL.

As for me, I'm still happily in love with my best friend although I tried to put it away. He had finally had growing feelings towards me. I still doubt. I know I shouldn't but I do. We still remained as best friends. He may not be the one for me but there are still chances he may be. Probably one day if he still wouldn't take action, I can only pray and hope that another one would appear right in front of my eyes with the oath of being able to be there for me every time when I needed him.

Story to be continued....

Lesson: 

Do not play with a guy's feelings. ESPECIALLY with a guy who had given his all to you. It's the most cruel thing and God will make you taste that medicine yourself.

Thanks for anticipating :)